ReBorn Again

Last year, as so much was happening in our lives, I had a difficult time concentrating on what I was doing with Tweed. I sought help from my longtime trainer to be my eyes on the ground and keep us safe, but keep us going. I had to be laser focused on my daughter and grandson,...(well, I still do), but I didn't want to let Tumbleweed sit.

The first day of preschool, October 8th, I missed my sweet grandson so much, but I also had such a feeling of freedom. I loaded Tweed right up and went to the equestrian park. Our time was our own again, and uninterrupted, at least for two days a week.

Autumn 2024: I have changed.  I don’t feel the same need for help. I have a different need for autonomy with Tweed, a need to find our own unique way through this. I feel confident again, yet I don’t regret how I survived to get here.  I feel like a child again, and eager.

I wonder how many times we are reborn in life? By that I mean, a major life event radically shifting our perspective. To come out on the other side of it, and emerge healed, or on the road to healing. To look back and realize how powerless we were, ...or still are, and yet, to be okay with that, maybe even comforted by it.  I'm more grateful on the other side.

Tweed seems different, too. He's more relaxed and in tune with me. We both lost Cowboy and Little Joe this year, leaving Tweed as the only male in a mare herd,... maybe we find ourselves more in need of each other than we were a year ago. 

Last Thursday, I had the greatest day with Tumbleweed. When we arrived at the park, I didn't want to warm him up in the round pen, or even on the obstacle course. It didn't seem right. 

When I unloaded him, we just kept walking.

(Tweed has a sad face because I told him to stand there while I walked in front of him to get his photo. He's being a little pouty.)

And walking.

And walking.

Finally, when we were done walking, I saddled him and rode off again.

We bushwhacked and rode up and down hills, through trees, over logs--we went where the wind blew us. Not a care in the world. Just pure happiness.

As we were returning to the trailer, and it was in sight, I wondered if Tweed would pick up his pace and get barn sour for it, but the exact opposite happened.  He slowed down and looked over at the path going away from it like, Let's keep going, please.

Cowboy used to do that, too, and I take that as a very good sign for our future.

Older, but Not Wiser

I ran into a friend yesterday, before my solo ride with Tumbleweed, and as we were talking, she said that she is happy to now be "older and wiser" and confident in her horsemanship, and knowledge of her own horse. She rode away on her beautiful boy, and they did, indeed, look like a great partnership.

But it left me wondering, Am I older and wiser? 

That question rattled around in my brain all day.

Tweed and I had a great time together. We started at the obstacle course, where he was able to open and close the rope gate for the first time ever. He opens real gates like a PRO, but the rope gate has always freaked him out.

Not yesterday.

Does that make me wiser? Or, does it make him wiser?

Today, the answer finally came to me.

No, I'm not wiser. 

Life, and horses, are always knocking me off of whatever perch I think I've ascended to. I am most often as helpless as a baby, and as vulnerable, too.

But I don't let that stop me. In fact, I always feel like I'm starting again.

Starting, and starting, and starting...forever.

Tumbleweed and I did a short ride alone together, and when it was done, I replaced the screensaver on my phone.

We are starting again, again. 

New ears. New eyes. New journey.

Volunteers

Every year I get these magical surprises growing between the bricks of my front patio. 

They are volunteers, and they come from summers past to grace us with their beauty. 

As I was photographing the one above, I also thanked it in my heart for choosing to be a part of my life, for choosing to be on this earth among us.

You see, these volunteers are not supposed to be here. They were supposed to have died during the harsh winter cold, when everything else died. 

They survived a frost so cold it broke our pipes. But it did not break the spirit of these beautiful flowers. 

In fact, it made them stronger. They are greener, and more vibrant than any you will find in stores. They have the spirit of those who walked through fire, and came back to tell about it. 

As Summer 2024 Gives Way to Autumn

Remember back when I thought if only I managed my time better I could get everything done? I was wrong. 

Life is very busy right now, and there truly is not a way around that reality. It is set to change in October with the beginning of preschool. I will have two full weekdays to ride my horse! 

I will have a lot more to say about horses when that begins. For now, I’ll catch you all up on life around here through photos. 

There will be a day when our 2 year old grandson can ride horses with us, but for now, we have settled on pulling him behind us on our bike rides. 

We invested in another e-bike, and have had many amazing adventures on them. 

Horse time has been sporadic, based around the grandson’s schedule, but we were able to take Epona and Tumbleweed on their first outing together a few weeks ago. 

Tumbleweed was very worried about Epona, so our day was spent working away from each other. Epona was worried at first, but after awhile she stopped calling back to him and focused on my daughter. When Epona stopped calling back, Tweed lost interest, too. 

We hope to do a lot more of that work as schedules allow. It’s super good training for Tumbleweed. Epona, on the other hand, has that ‘almost orphan’ mentality, and she doesn’t need the herd as much. During the day, we often see her grazing alone in a completely separate pasture from the rest. Tweed is the ‘herd leader,’ and always protecting his mares. 

If an older gelding drops into our lap next year, a new grandkid’s horse, I just might separate Tweed with him. I want my grandson to have a horse he can learn with and I’d like Tweed to have gelding companionship. 

In the past, I have only planted flowers and trees, no vegetables/fruits. This year, we planted a little barn garden using compost from Cowboy’s last stall to enrich the soil. It has provided basil for fresh pesto, tomatoes, peppers, and other herbs. 

Everyday I go out to water and enjoy a tomato or two fresh off the vine and I think about how wonderful life is and all my blessings, past and present. 

I call the barn my ‘sanctuary,’ and it always lives up to its name. 

A New Ride & Thoughts

Horses are, by far, the most eco-friendly mode of transportation. You feed them a renewable product, hay, and they take you where you want to go, in 4-wheel drive. 

But after horses, e-bikes are not a bad option. 

Meet GiGi. Aka the Gray Glam. 

Why an e-bike?

Well, my husband has bad knees and was looking for a form of exercise that wouldn’t put stress on them. Biking fits the bill. We already have nice bikes, and we used to bike together, but he is in the camp of “gotta KILL it” when he rides, and I’m in the camp of, “Let’s have fun.”  

Killing it is not fun. 

Actually, it was a combination of things that led me to quit biking because I couldn’t help thinking, whenever we rode bikes, I’d rather be riding horses. 

Nothing has really changed for me, I still prefer a horse and I still want to have fun. My compromise was an e-bike. 

I went with the Aventon Level2 Commuter bike, which makes it easy to use as a regular bike or get a little help with pedal assist. It also has a throttle on those days that you don’t feel like pedaling at all. 

We took it on our first ride last night, and I love it. We have extremely steep hills around here, and my husband (still using our old traditional bike) had to get off and push. I went up and down several times with pedal assist while yelling back at him, “Do you hate me?” 

_______

I want to circle back to the last post about assertive versus aggressive / passive. 

I’ve been working with Mr Tumbleweed in the mornings, before the heat of the day, and I found myself getting frustrated with the tarp training. 

After some thought, and research, I think there are two toxic brews: complacency and the aggression that comes from frustration. By aggression, I’m not talking about physical aggression, though it can take that form. I’m talking about working from an aggressive head space, one where you lose empathy and move more towards, you should be able to do this. 

The opposite, being passive or complacent, comes from the same part of the brain: fight, flight, freeze. It’s just as bad because your horse thinks there is something to be scared about.  

I’m checking in with myself during our sessions and asking where I’m at on the continuum. If I’m moving towards either toxic brew, I’m taking a step back to what he can do and working in that space to get our partnership back. 

After a long session the day I wrote, then deleted my thoughts, on that post about Assertive Vs Aggressive, I had this aha moment to go back out (with grandson in tow by then because I also needed to babysit late morning) and place the tarp between Tweed’s run and turnout, and release the other horses to pasture. 

As you saw in the video, he went right over the tarp. 

It’s not a real solution. In fact, it’s cheating. But I’m okay with doing this for now to get him past the block in his head—tarp is bad. 

In the meantime, I’ve moved on to other ways of “getting his feet.”

Assertive Vs Aggressive

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of assertive versus passive / aggressive. I think it’s a fine line between the switches in our brain. 

Here are some random photos of ideas that resonated with me, offered without extra commentary. (Because I deleted the extra commentary.)

(Photo from Flint Rehab)

"The amygdala is involved in all types of emotional responses, but it's especially important in situations that cause fear, anxiety, or rage." (AI generated)

(image from neuroquotient.com)

It Was Meant to Be: Epona’s Journey

 

Epona is home. 

We went to get Epona on Saturday, before the temps get much higher, as they’re expected to be in the 100’s today and through the week. 

She was exactly 4 weeks at our trainer’s. That’s not a lot of time to start a horse, and we hadn’t done much to prepare her. Surprisingly, it turned out that Sarah got a long way with her anyway, even starting from zero.

Backtracking for a moment, my daughter learned to ride, and also started Epona’s mom, Cowgirl, with this same trainer. At the time, my husband and I had worked out a deal with Shiloh that we would pay half of Cowgirl’s training fee IF she worked side-by-side with our trainer the entire time. 

It forged a bond between Shiloh and Sarah, and laid a foundation of trust. So, when Sarah asked my daughter if she wanted to hop up and ride Epona Saturday, and I expected her to decline, Shiloh instead said yes, … without any hesitation.

I was shocked. 

But off they went, walk, trot, and galloping.

As a mother, I cannot tell you the emotions that came up from inside me watching Epona and Shiloh blend together and melt into their work. 

Everything the two of them have been through! I didn’t expect that either of them would be able to meet this moment. Not only did they meet it, but they each surpassed it. 

Epona seemed to relax as soon as my daughter took the reins. There was a complete shift in her attitude from when our trainer had been demonstrating on her. 

Sarah was surprised, too. 

It truly seemed meant to be. That’s the only way I can describe it. Meant. To. Be. They were flying on the wings of many angels. 

Here is their backstory. 

Shiloh found Cowgirl on Dream Horse 20 years ago, all by herself. She was 12 at the time, and had just lost the yearling she had been raising to a broken shoulder. She bought Cowgirl with her own money she had saved and, until she turned 18, had to pay for half of her upkeep. 

Fast forward a few years, and Shiloh admired an amazing Thoroughbred stallion Sarah acquired, super smart, sweet, and gorgeous, you’d never have known he was intact. Shiloh swore she would breed Cowgirl to him someday. 

Unfortunately, he was an older stallion when Sarah got him, and passed away before Shiloh was ready to breed Cowgirl, but, surprise, surprise, Sarah acquired his son, an appy named Mr Tom Horn. 

When I took Tweed down for his training (see how everything is connected?), Shiloh took Cowgirl down with him for company and a little tuneup. 

While Cowgirl was there, Sarah’s stud made a big scene crying for her. It was almost embarrassing, and we all laughed quite a bit. Mr. Tom Horn made his desire well known, and it planted the idea for Shiloh. After a couple weeks thinking about it, she decided to breed Cowgirl.

Cowgirl was a maiden mare at 17, and the vet had to help her go into heat (I can’t remember how, exactly, but something had to be removed). Whatever he did worked, and she went into heat immediately. Sarah brought Mr. Tom Horn over to live-cover Cowgirl everyday for a week, until Cowgirl naturally rejected him, and she got the job done.

Cowgirl came home pregnant and happy. 

The rest is history, and you all know it well (pharyngeal dysfunction), but to say it’s a miracle that Epona is here today is a huge understatement. 

She is here for a purpose, and that purpose is to help heal my daughter’s heart. 

Curiosity & Confidence 2: Tarp Training

I have a love/hate relationship with tarp training. It has been a part of “kindergarten” for every one of our horses, and it simulates so much of what they might see on a trail or at home. I love that part.

Our horse trainer uses the tarp to get them used to things flapping on and around them, and they have to pack it on the saddle and be able to drag it. Epona just finished that work.

I haven’t seen Sarah ask them to step onto the tarp, but I’ll ask her about it when we pick up Epona tomorrow.

Why do I have a love…hate relationship? Well, some horses are just really confident in their feet. All of our mares have had that confidence, and most of our geldings, except my heart horse Cowboy and now Tweed. My vet told me once that Cowboy’s hesitancy was part of his good survival skills and would serve him well in the wild. And that’s true. If they lose a foot, they’re done in the wild. Their feet are their most vital asset. 

Like Cowboy, Tweed challenges me to earn his trust over and over, but when I get it, I get his heart, too. Leah was confident, but I never really felt she gave me her full heart. Big difference. 

I would test that theory over and over with indirect pressure, just coming into her living space and watching her body language. She would always turn her head away from me, like no thanks. I’d halter her anyway, and since she was such a compliant horse, we’d have good rides despite it.

In contrast, Tweed always turns his head towards me, and even leaves the other horses to come to me. He wants a relationship.

Cowboy did that, too.

Back to sweet, but no thanks Leah, she was extremely giving when it came to her feet. But we were at one of those despooking (Path to Partnership) clinics, and she went right over the tarp obstacle, but one of her feet went through and got caught in it.  She pulled her foot back and the tarp came with it, “chasing her.” 

Because she is such a calm horse, she didn’t back away from it very far, maybe 15 feet, and allowed me to approach and free her foot. Fast forward ten years later, and it’s always in the back of my mind as a possibility with the tarps.

Tweed has now done six of the seven steps, but is still hesitant about his feet ON the tarp.

The 7 steps from the video:

1. Follow the tarp.

2. Investigate the tarp by voluntarily touching his nose to it. 

3. Touch the tarp to his nose and face/body.

4. Pack the tarp and be okay with it dropping off.

5. Move out on a circle wearing the tarp.

6. Step onto and over the tarp.

7. Drag the tarp.

Here they are:

1. Follow the tarp 

2. Be curious. Voluntarily touch nose to tarp. 

3. Touch the tarp to his nose, face, body.

4. Pack the tarp and be okay with it falling off

5. Move out on a circle packing the tarp.

Tweed did all of those steps with very little effort. He wanted to look at the cows, but every time he did, I moved the tarp and brought his attention back. (A horse can only think about one thing at a time.)

As I said before, we didn’t accomplish step 6, but he was happy to put his nose on it and investigate with confidence. “Don’t get greedy.” I took that as a win and moved on to step 7.

7. Drag the tarp. 

For this step, you should tie a rope to the tarp and drag it behind and at the side. I didn’t expect to get to step 7, so I drug it by hand. Today, I’ll go out with the rope and make sure it’s further behind him. 

The reason this is the last step, I think, is because the tarp can get under their feet as they’re turning around dragging it, so it’s best for them to be okay with that.

I’m excited to go out and do it again today and see if we can get those reluctant, yet smart, feet onto the tarp. When we can do this on the ground, we will start from step one and do it all in saddle.