"Good judgement comes from experience.
Experience comes from bad Judgement.
And sometimes that bad judgement can be pretty horrific."
Val Geissler, Unbranded
To recap: the body bruising was wide-spread, but most of the pain was in the ribs & liver. I was on Motrin day and night. When the ribs started to feel a little better, I stopped the Motrin, and that's when I felt the hip and knee pain. A few days ago, the knee pain all but disappeared, but the hip pain remains. Kind of reminds me of last winter when I fell on ice.
Oh, and I almost forgot, while I was on vacation with my kids, I was stung by a hornet on my good arm--and had a bad allergic reaction with lots of swelling. Five days later, it's still swollen and itchy! Arghhhhh!
But anyway, all that aside, today was my day to get back on a horse, and I was surprised to find some real self-doubt lingering around.
I chose Cowboy, rather than Leah, since I'm still on the mend, and don't want to get myself into a situation I'm physically unprepared to handle. But even with Cowboy, the doubts lingered, so I started going down a list of things, in my mind, that might be causing the fear:
Is it a BALANCE issue? I reminded myself that I have good balance and can ride my horse bareback at every gait. I can also go from a standing position to a legs crossed sitting position, and up again--without holding onto anything. (I read somewhere that that's a good test of longevity.)
Skill? I have enough balance and skill, or a better word, experience, to have survived spinning, bucking, and bucking and running--bucking that was so hard, mind you, that my tailbone is still quite sore. But I was able to navigate all that to the rail, pull her head around, swing myself off with my right arm and land on my feet. (pat self on back again.)
Judgement? Ah, this is where I couldn't quite assuage myself. As I was leading Cowboy to the mounting block, I thought back at all the many, many, many times I mounted a horse who was giving me signs that it needed something more--but I mounted anyway and took my chances in saddle. It always worked out--until the day it didn't.
But with Beautiful Girl, I had been wary of that possibility, and I had hired my trainer to be beside me--to be that extra pair of eyes.
Do you think I'm good to mount? I'd asked her.
But Rebecca wasn't there that day. And, I wondered what she would have said if she had been there.
I know the answer. She would have told me no. No, Beautiful Girl was not in a frame of mind to go to the next step.
I need to work on that judgement part of my life. It's almost like turning 50-something has dulled it. Like it's made me more accident prone. Why? What has changed that I'm rushing so head-long out of cars, onto horses, around hornets? Is it just bad luck? Or, is it a mind too busy multi-tasking and not "present" enough? Mindful?
I guess from all these questions, I can already see the answer. My life is demanding I be more present.
So, I swung my leg over Cowboy and off we went bareback--walk, trotting, practicing our turns with no reins. My tailbone hurt as I tilted my hips back for the stop, but it was a reminder that my life is fragile. Its preservation demands my attention--not just with horses---but in ALL things.
I have some changes to make.
That sucks that you've been in pain and unable to ride for so long. I can relate to knowing you need to be here now in order to prevent problems. Last week I forgot to go to two appointments because I simply lost track of time. I'm normally ditsy, but more responsible than that. Then I discovered that this new drug my doctor put me on has the side effect of forgetfulness. Now I have to work double hard to slow down and stay focused.
ReplyDeleteThat’s a bummer! It’s bad enough without adding more. 😂 My husband started a mindfulness regimen in his 50’s. I wonder if this is a normal passage.
DeleteMenopause can really mess with the brain. I think that your thoughts make total sense given what happened. You are still processing. It's easy to get caught up in all that is going on. Horses are good at reminding us that being present is so important.
ReplyDeletePresence is so much more important when our bodies are more fragile and slow to heal. I probably hurt myself just as much before, but my bones were made out of rubber and my immune system would just go after a hornet sting and make it disappear. 😂 I did walk and trot work bareback yesterday, and immediately reaggravated my ribs, which makes me think I broke them after all. Back on Motrin and I’m going to stay at the walk for a couple more weeks. Although, my trainer says she has ridden with broken ribs, they just take longer to heal. She’s also thirty-something. 😂
DeleteIt's good to hear you are on the mend. I don't know how anyone who experienced similar wouldn't have some lingering type of fear bubble up. Sounds normal. There is something to be said for slowing down & taking your time. Awareness & Mindfulness are wonderful things. There are benefits from internalizing any form of either, doesn't have to be a formal practice (IMHO). Wish I took time for walks in the woods (something I haven't done since before our move) and more yoga/meditation on our deck. Sigh. Those times are coming. I hope, lol. I feel better when I do take time. It helps me deal with fear (not just with horses) and be more at peace in general. I think some of increased undesirable experiences, is about odds. Reminds me of the sayings "the only people who don't fall off horses are the ones who don't ride" and "if you live long enough, you will get something". It does make a person wonder tho. Keep looking at the bright side & enjoy the journey for what it offers :)
ReplyDeleteI’m going to do a five minute mediatation before riding and working the horses today. My ribs did get reaggravated yesterday, so I have to go easier. I’ll work Cowboy at a walk and work Leah and Bee on the ground. Yes, time to meditate does bring peace—that will be an extra benefit. My husband also practices by constantly looking where things are around him at any given moment. For example, I’m sitting in my favorite leather chair, dark brown blanket laying to my side, tape measure, side purse, and tv controller next to me. There are three bird books, Echo, wood bowl with guitar picks and tuners, red African basket with all my reading glasses, nail file, nesting raven boxes with picks, coffee cup sitting on a rock coaster with a horse engraved on it (gift from a friend I never see anymore 😢, and a pen. There’s a pile of books next to me, too—horses and transcendentalism works. Hmmm...this practice is making me want to stop and read! 😂
DeleteI think it's normal to not be "back to normal" the first time we get back on after getting injured.Self doubt is insidious and undermining and it does take a self examination to deal with it. For me, it was when Delia bucked me off. Like Bee, she gave me signs that she was not willing to be ridden that day, but in my presumptuousness I ignored them, depending on my skill set and experience to overcome her resistance. ....wrong.... I'm glad I had Beamer to ride after that, because like your Cowboy, he was key to getting my confidence back.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking that exact thing last night looking at my herd. How lucky I am to have Cowboy right now. When I mounted his back, I immediately felt right back at home—balance, confidence—the judgement and experience part don’t even factor in with him. Although, it was poor judgement on my part to trot. I was going with the assumption the ribs had been bruised, but they were probably broke. That means a little longer healing time. My trainer told me she has ridden with broken ribs, they just took longer to heal. She warned me against trot work for a while. 😂 I just want to be back to sleeping on my right side!
DeleteI honestly don’t think turning 50 has anything to do with what you call dulling your mind. I think you just didn’t heed the signals Bee was giving you because you felt you could deal with whatever she threw at you and you wanted to work with her. I’ve been guilty of this and sometimes it worked out and sometimes I paid the price. Getting bucked off or dumped does shake your confidence but you have a steady eddy in Cowboy and that will help you get back to where you were. Glad to hear your healing. I know you can make your own decisions but if I were you I would only do groundwork. Why take the chance of injuring yourself again before you’re fully healed. Many years ago I had a friend who fell off a horse and broke a rib that went through her lung. Unfortunately,she didn’t make it. You’ll have lots of time in the saddle once you’re better and groundwork can be fun and a great learning experience for everyone involved. Sorry if I sound like a nag or an overprotective mother but I really don’t want to see you reinjure yourself. And with another birthday coming up next week I’m probably old enough to be everyone’s mother!
ReplyDeleteThat's very tragic, and my heart goes out to her. You convinced me to wait a while longer and let my ribs fully heal. That's just wise. I have the rest of my life to get back on. And, as you say, they can all benefit from the groundwork.
DeleteThe 50 thing, I'm not sure about. So far, this year, I've fallen on ice, stubbed and broke a toe on barbells, got bucked off a horse, and itched my arm, thus smashing a hornet into it and getting stung. There have been more many more instances of bumping into things and getting bruised--just an overall accident proneness. It might not be turning 50-something, but it definitely seems to indicate a cluttered mind. Life is very noisy right now. I need more silence.
The bucking,however, may have come down to bad judgement--and a feeling that I wasn't getting things accomplished fast enough. It reminds me of that line from Unbranded:
"Good judgement comes from experience.
Experience comes from bad Judgement.
And sometimes that bad judgement can be pretty horrific."
Val Geissler, Unbranded
That post still outperforms every one of my other posts almost three years later. It has over 11,000 views. I don't know if they're searching the saying or the movie, but the saying is sad and true.
I've never been hurt on a horse until now. That's a lot of years. I can't say that my judgement was always good, but I was able to ride through my bad judgement--or I chose horses that weren't ever going to take it too far--or I did the ground work required so that they wouldn't take it too far. Beautiful sent off every warning bell I had, and I did a lot of groundwork--and hired a trainer to oversee all those first rides--but there was that one day I thought--hell with it, I'll take my chances. That was bad judgement, and it was somewhat horrific-but not as bad as it could have been. My wish for myself, and every horseperson, is to always use good judgement. Every second you're with a horse-remember to trust your instincts, be alert, be present, be willing to change your plans, depending on what your horse is telling you--and use your very BEST judgement.
You sound a lot like me when I'm dealing with my fears or insecurities...always looking for somewhere to lay the blame. Bottom line is, I think anyway, is that you read Bee's signs loud and clear, and then you chose to ignore those signs, and instead chose to rely on all your experiences you mentioned here. We all need to listen to what our gut (and head) tell us, instead of ignoring them and taking our chances. Granted, usually we get lucky and all is well, but then sometimes...
ReplyDeleteYour mind isn't dull because you've turned 50 - far from it - talk to someone in their 70's or 80's and they'll tell you that you're still young. Yes, we are older than we once were, but we are not old because we've reached that half century mark. But, because we are older and our balance likely isn't as good as it once was, probably aren't as quick on our feet, and we hurt longer when we do get injured; those are all valid reasons to be more careful, have clearer intent, be fully present and TRUST our instincts because that is our wisdom trying to get through to us! But, we tell ourselves that we have all those skill sets, then we just disregard our inner voice and override our good judgement and mount up anyway. *sigh* Here is where "eyes on the ground" are so very helpful. They confirm what our inner voice just told us and reaffirm that maybe today isn't a good day to ride. When in doubt, don't do it is my motto. There's always so many other things you can work on, from the ground. And then go ride Cowboy and have fun. For me, riding Eagle is work because there's still so much doubt in my mind. Why? Who knows, but if I'm scared, I might mount up and sit there for a while, take a step or two, but then I choose to do something else and call that good enough for now. When I want to relax and just enjoy the ride, I get Missy...little steady, always reliable Missy. Oh my goodness, I just had to laugh at just noticing your comment above and seeing that you've already said much of what I just finished telling you. See there? You already know this stuff...just gotta trust yourself. :) I love your tenacity. It shows your loving desire to always be better for your horses and for yourself. And hot dog girl! I am totally impressed at you being able to stand, sit cross-legged and stand back up, without hands??? Seriously, don't know if I've ever even tried, but if I did, I'd be sorely disappointed. Pretty darn sure... :)
Ride on cowgirl.
Ha! Great minds do think alike! Yes, we don’t heal up as fast, bottom line. My ribs used to be made of rubber, but now they’re made of fine china. Ten years ago, bailing off like that and landing on my feet would have been a huge success and nary a scratch. 😂 I have to say, it has led me to Mustang Maddie, and I am really learning a lot from her videos on beginning Liberty. I have started it with beautiful. One of her five rules is to find their motivation, and she has a certain way of giving them treats that doesn’t lead to mugging and misbehavior. I am incorporating that, and it’s helping. Pressure and release, of course, is the other way. And there’s always good old petting. But you have to find what motivates them. Probably all of the above.
DeleteIt seems like all of life’s lessons lead us back to trusting our instincts. Honing our instincts. Where I err is trying to find the balance between acknowledging that it’s not a good time to ride and still getting progress made with Bee. I think when we get to an impasse like that, it’s telling us we need something else and we need to go find it.
Oh, another thing mustang Maddie said was that when it comes to deciding if some horses are worth it or not, we have to do a cost to benefit analysis. It could be cost in money, or it could be a cost in safety and health. You have to think about the cost and then the benefit you will get from it. What will this horse accomplish? Will this horse ever fully get over being overreactive? Every horse can be trained to do all the normal barn things and be ridden, but not to the same level and not with the same safety. You also have to factor in what will their life be like if they can’t be written. She said that some horses, when they see that they are just going to take too much time and resources, are put out in sanctuaries. That way they have time for other horses. All of that was exactly what I needed to hear to help me decide.
When I was working with beautiful girl today, she was again very nervous. She seems to have difficulty maintaining a basic level of confidence. The other thing I noticed is that her club feet are worse on the left than the right. The day she blew up I was trying to have her go left. When I first started her training I wondered if her feet would be a factor. Now I am wondering if they were that day.
When Pearl bucked me off two years ago, she completely destroyed my confidence. I've never had that happen before (the confidence thing) and it impacted my ability to throw my leg over *any* horse, not just her. Unfortunately, that meant that Skeeter's training all but came to a standstill. I could force myself to climb on her once in a while, but if it wasn't for my parents riding her when they could, she would have been a pasture pet.
ReplyDeleteJust last month, we sent Pearl for a tune-up and with that tune-up, we received two lessons. Swinging my leg up over her was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I started regaining some of my confidence then. I've only been on her once since, but the second time was at "the scene of the crime", so I was happy to get on, ride a few circles, and get off.
Taking that lesson was the best thing I could have done.
That’s wonderful that you got back on her. I can’t remember the details of your experience, but I do think, in my case, there were lots of signs—which helps me put it in some perspective.
DeleteBee is a super-reactive horse. I started liberty training with her today and she opened up a little—just a little. The whole bucking and running thing scared her, too, and she’s way more nervous in the arena. Ah well, one step at a time.
Bee has only had 10 or so light rides and she has bucked my trainer off and now me, so I’m not sure I could ask anyone to train her for me. My trainer certainly has no interest. Someone might take it on, but it would be lengthy. And she has severely clubbed feet—so I wonder about her soundness, too. But one step a time. You never know.
That first ride back - wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been able to sit cross legged since I busted my leg up; yep, I f'ed it for life and no amount of physio is going to improve it. However, since I'm still breathing, I'm happy enough to get by without 100% flexibility.
First and last ride back. It re-hurt my ribs. Big mistake. How did you bust your leg up?
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