ReBorn Again

Last year, as so much was happening in our lives, I had a difficult time concentrating on what I was doing with Tweed. I sought help from my longtime trainer to be my eyes on the ground and keep us safe, but keep us going. I had to be laser focused on my daughter and grandson,...(well, I still do), but I didn't want to let Tumbleweed sit.

The first day of preschool, October 8th, I missed my sweet grandson so much, but I also had such a feeling of freedom. I loaded Tweed right up and went to the equestrian park. Our time was our own again, and uninterrupted, at least for two days a week.

Autumn 2024: I have changed.  I don’t feel the same need for help. I have a different need for autonomy with Tweed, a need to find our own unique way through this. I feel confident again, yet I don’t regret how I survived to get here.  I feel like a child again, and eager.

I wonder how many times we are reborn in life? By that I mean, a major life event radically shifting our perspective. To come out on the other side of it, and emerge healed, or on the road to healing. To look back and realize how powerless we were, ...or still are, and yet, to be okay with that, maybe even comforted by it.  I'm more grateful on the other side.

Tweed seems different, too. He's more relaxed and in tune with me. We both lost Cowboy and Little Joe this year, leaving Tweed as the only male in a mare herd,... maybe we find ourselves more in need of each other than we were a year ago. 

Last Thursday, I had the greatest day with Tumbleweed. When we arrived at the park, I didn't want to warm him up in the round pen, or even on the obstacle course. It didn't seem right. 

When I unloaded him, we just kept walking.

(Tweed has a sad face because I told him to stand there while I walked in front of him to get his photo. He's being a little pouty.)

And walking.

And walking.

Finally, when we were done walking, I saddled him and rode off again.

We bushwhacked and rode up and down hills, through trees, over logs--we went where the wind blew us. Not a care in the world. Just pure happiness.

As we were returning to the trailer, and it was in sight, I wondered if Tweed would pick up his pace and get barn sour for it, but the exact opposite happened.  He slowed down and looked over at the path going away from it like, Let's keep going, please.

Cowboy used to do that, too, and I take that as a very good sign for our future.

Older, but Not Wiser

I ran into a friend yesterday, before my solo ride with Tumbleweed, and as we were talking, she said that she is happy to now be "older and wiser" and confident in her horsemanship, and knowledge of her own horse. She rode away on her beautiful boy, and they did, indeed, look like a great partnership.

But it left me wondering, Am I older and wiser? 

That question rattled around in my brain all day.

Tweed and I had a great time together. We started at the obstacle course, where he was able to open and close the rope gate for the first time ever. He opens real gates like a PRO, but the rope gate has always freaked him out.

Not yesterday.

Does that make me wiser? Or, does it make him wiser?

Today, the answer finally came to me.

No, I'm not wiser. 

Life, and horses, are always knocking me off of whatever perch I think I've ascended to. I am most often as helpless as a baby, and as vulnerable, too.

But I don't let that stop me. In fact, I always feel like I'm starting again.

Starting, and starting, and starting...forever.

Tumbleweed and I did a short ride alone together, and when it was done, I replaced the screensaver on my phone.

We are starting again, again. 

New ears. New eyes. New journey.

Volunteers

Every year I get these magical surprises growing between the bricks of my front patio. 

They are volunteers, and they come from summers past to grace us with their beauty. 

As I was photographing the one above, I also thanked it in my heart for choosing to be a part of my life, for choosing to be on this earth among us.

You see, these volunteers are not supposed to be here. They were supposed to have died during the harsh winter cold, when everything else died. 

They survived a frost so cold it broke our pipes. But it did not break the spirit of these beautiful flowers. 

In fact, it made them stronger. They are greener, and more vibrant than any you will find in stores. They have the spirit of those who walked through fire, and came back to tell about it. 

As Summer 2024 Gives Way to Autumn

Remember back when I thought if only I managed my time better I could get everything done? I was wrong. 

Life is very busy right now, and there truly is not a way around that reality. It is set to change in October with the beginning of preschool. I will have two full weekdays to ride my horse! 

I will have a lot more to say about horses when that begins. For now, I’ll catch you all up on life around here through photos. 

There will be a day when our 2 year old grandson can ride horses with us, but for now, we have settled on pulling him behind us on our bike rides. 

We invested in another e-bike, and have had many amazing adventures on them. 

Horse time has been sporadic, based around the grandson’s schedule, but we were able to take Epona and Tumbleweed on their first outing together a few weeks ago. 

Tumbleweed was very worried about Epona, so our day was spent working away from each other. Epona was worried at first, but after awhile she stopped calling back to him and focused on my daughter. When Epona stopped calling back, Tweed lost interest, too. 

We hope to do a lot more of that work as schedules allow. It’s super good training for Tumbleweed. Epona, on the other hand, has that ‘almost orphan’ mentality, and she doesn’t need the herd as much. During the day, we often see her grazing alone in a completely separate pasture from the rest. Tweed is the ‘herd leader,’ and always protecting his mares. 

If an older gelding drops into our lap next year, a new grandkid’s horse, I just might separate Tweed with him. I want my grandson to have a horse he can learn with and I’d like Tweed to have gelding companionship. 

In the past, I have only planted flowers and trees, no vegetables/fruits. This year, we planted a little barn garden using compost from Cowboy’s last stall to enrich the soil. It has provided basil for fresh pesto, tomatoes, peppers, and other herbs. 

Everyday I go out to water and enjoy a tomato or two fresh off the vine and I think about how wonderful life is and all my blessings, past and present. 

I call the barn my ‘sanctuary,’ and it always lives up to its name. 

A New Ride & Thoughts

Horses are, by far, the most eco-friendly mode of transportation. You feed them a renewable product, hay, and they take you where you want to go, in 4-wheel drive. 

But after horses, e-bikes are not a bad option. 

Meet GiGi. Aka the Gray Glam. 

Why an e-bike?

Well, my husband has bad knees and was looking for a form of exercise that wouldn’t put stress on them. Biking fits the bill. We already have nice bikes, and we used to bike together, but he is in the camp of “gotta KILL it” when he rides, and I’m in the camp of, “Let’s have fun.”  

Killing it is not fun. 

Actually, it was a combination of things that led me to quit biking because I couldn’t help thinking, whenever we rode bikes, I’d rather be riding horses. 

Nothing has really changed for me, I still prefer a horse and I still want to have fun. My compromise was an e-bike. 

I went with the Aventon Level2 Commuter bike, which makes it easy to use as a regular bike or get a little help with pedal assist. It also has a throttle on those days that you don’t feel like pedaling at all. 

We took it on our first ride last night, and I love it. We have extremely steep hills around here, and my husband (still using our old traditional bike) had to get off and push. I went up and down several times with pedal assist while yelling back at him, “Do you hate me?” 

_______

I want to circle back to the last post about assertive versus aggressive / passive. 

I’ve been working with Mr Tumbleweed in the mornings, before the heat of the day, and I found myself getting frustrated with the tarp training. 

After some thought, and research, I think there are two toxic brews: complacency and the aggression that comes from frustration. By aggression, I’m not talking about physical aggression, though it can take that form. I’m talking about working from an aggressive head space, one where you lose empathy and move more towards, you should be able to do this. 

The opposite, being passive or complacent, comes from the same part of the brain: fight, flight, freeze. It’s just as bad because your horse thinks there is something to be scared about.  

I’m checking in with myself during our sessions and asking where I’m at on the continuum. If I’m moving towards either toxic brew, I’m taking a step back to what he can do and working in that space to get our partnership back. 

After a long session the day I wrote, then deleted my thoughts, on that post about Assertive Vs Aggressive, I had this aha moment to go back out (with grandson in tow by then because I also needed to babysit late morning) and place the tarp between Tweed’s run and turnout, and release the other horses to pasture. 

As you saw in the video, he went right over the tarp. 

It’s not a real solution. In fact, it’s cheating. But I’m okay with doing this for now to get him past the block in his head—tarp is bad. 

In the meantime, I’ve moved on to other ways of “getting his feet.”