Two Years Later: Thank You

On the two year anniversary of “the day our life changed,” I choose to celebrate the wins. There are so many miracles and “wins” that I will only cover a few, but just know that despite the adversities, we have been blessed beyond what we deserve.

1. I’m alive! We’re all alive! That might seem an easy accomplishment, but it really isn’t. I’m so thankful we’re all alive! And, as an addendum, my body is healed up, too. Yay!

2. Though my time with Tumbleweed became rarer, and my mind was in survival mode, I didn’t give up. I reached out for help, and we kept growing together. Now we are ready to fly.

Sometimes in life we might be forced to take *seemingly small steps, just never stop taking steps. “The journey of a thousand miles…”

3. I picked up the flute again after 40 years and began to breathe my stories & songs into that magical instrument I had never fully appreciated. 

I had my first recital last Sunday, and was not afraid to play in front of others. The song I chose was Amazing Grace, which was perfect. 

When you are tense, and life throws so much at you at once, much of it out of your control, you really do have to stop and breathe. A lot. Often. Always. 

Playing the flute reminded me to breathe everyday, and from that breath, even find beauty (and healing) in the musical vibrations coming back to me. There are several studies about how music heals at the cellular level. I felt it happening in me these last two years. Thank God for music! It has saved me, body and soul, more than once. 

4. I have a deeper love for my husband, deeper respect, deeper trust, and deeper thankfulness. I didn’t think that was possible after 23 years. Hardships have the power to draw you closer or break you apart, we drew closer. 

5. I am thankful for my barn and barn garden, the sanctuary that was started two weeks after it all happened, and finished as daughter and grandson moved home with us, just in time to further help the healing process. 

The last two years have taught me, yet again, that you can’t escape suffering in life. It happens to everyone, no matter how perfectly you try to organize your life, or hide from it. Suffering, and sadness, will find you. 

But in your suffering and sadness, you can also find an otherworldly grace, …and miracles, many of them, all over the place, everywhere you look. 

They are our love notes from the universe, saying you can do it! You have everything it takes! You are glorious, and you are loved, and you were created for this moment. 

Embrace it, breathe, cry, and let yourself feel. 

Then look around and say thank you. 

Thank you. 

Another Fun Lesson

Today is expected to be in the 90’s, maybe even 100, so I met Regina early for a lesson at the park. We will both be busy for the next two weeks, and won’t be able to meet again until after that, but I will have several opportunities to work with Tweed while our grandkids visit and get their horse fixes. 

Because of my broken toe and back issue, I have been happy to make up for lost time in saddle, especially rebuilding my core strength. I continue to take flute lessons and had my online recital yesterday, (Sunday.) It is amazing to me how important core strength is in producing clear tones and sustained breath. A strong core is essential to so many things in life.

Back to today’s lesson.

The equestrian area hosted an obstacle clinic last weekend and there were still some wet spots where they had water obstacles. The variations of shade versus light, and wet versus dry, made a great spot to work Tweed.

Here’s how things went down today, in order:

1. No groundwork. Tweed was relaxed right out of the trailer, so I tacked up and mounted.  

2. I chose spots on the fence to ride towards, and after 3 strides, would ask for another direction and another and another. Eventually, I rode more strides, but if I lost his attention, I’d choose another spot and immediately turn him. 

3. He did very well, but no surprise, he lost a little of his attention around Leah—so after awhile we rode circles around her. I used one rein, and brought it up for vertical flexion when he sped up, slowed down, or looked around to spot trouble. I was controlling his body through space and time. Taking the reins, and giving them back fast when he softened. 

4. The dark, wet patch caught Tweed’s eye. The time in which it would take a horse to process that change in footing, however, was not consistent with maintaining our trot through space and time. Of course, he’d have liked to have stopped and looked at it, but that’s not always practical on the trail. They need to trust us and Regina wants that level of acceptance in our work. 

5. Regina told me to maintain the trot & collection, point him toward the dark patch, and sit my butt way back in the saddle. If he moved around it, don’t make a big deal, just turn him back towards it and go the other way. When I turned him, she asked that I sit even further back, like going down a hill on a trail ride. Really free him up to turn. Back and forth. Up and down. Maintain speed. No slowing down. No speeding up. It didn’t take long at all before Tweed was treating that patch like any other part of the arena. (Regina commented that it would be good to do the same thing through certain water patches we will find on the trails.)  

6. At that point, Regina had me stop and rest him in the wet spot. He almost cocked a leg and relaxed, but then he got that ornery look and started pawing. Regina said he was preparing to roll, so go back to trotting along the fence line, then try again. The second time he rested and cocked a leg. 

7. At the end of our hour, we practiced work to rest transitions, because sometimes you have to stop and wait on the trail. We rested away from Leah who, by that point, he wanted nothing to do with.  He figured out Leah means work, and he wanted to be far away from her. But if he reacted to the outside environment while he was supposed to be resting, we went back to work on transitions and eventually came back to rest. 

It was another fun morning with my boy that ended on a positive note. He is getting it big time. No groundwork needed and very little correction, just consistency in directing his body and speed. Regina said though, that the beginning exercise, choosing a spot to ride to, vertical flexion and releases, for a few strides, was actually much like the groundwork exercise of having him move out a little and then face up. It was engaging his brain in the same way.  

That will be our last lesson for awhile, but we will have some great training opportunities around here in the meantime. 

Trying to Save the Unsavable

There are two plants that I am trying to save, the orchid given to my mom in March 2022, when my dad died (she left it here at my house), and an azalea my daughter brought with her after her heartbreaking divorce, in December 2023, when we sold her home. 

First, the orchid. 

Full confession: I am a killer of orchids. Having received many as gifts from friends, I never found out how to keep them alive. They come in small plastic pots, perhaps, a little moss shoved into them, but that’s it. 

When my dad’s orchid started to die, and it took a year for that to happen, I went to the internet to find out what I was doing wrong. 

Turns out, the sitting water was rotting the roots of the orchid. I purchased an orchid pot, replanted it into mostly moss, watered it once a week, pouring off the excess water, and prayed it would survive. It has been over a year, and so far it is still alive, and I see NEW growth. Yay!

Now, for the azalea. 

We moved our grieving daughter out of her home in December 2023. She came here with her 2 year old baby boy, our sweet, sweet grandson, and currently the joy of our lives, 2 cats, a dog, and an azalea. 

The azalea wintered in the garage, occasionally got watered, and flourished. It clearly had a will to live, despite the neglect.

In spring 2024, I planted it into my barn garden. It survived, but didn’t thrive. Winter came and almost killed it. 

Almost. 

As you can see, there is still a little green. And where there is green, there is a possibility of life. 

It is at the barn garden, but now back in a pot, and if it survives summer, I’ll overwinter it inside. (Because I am determined to hand it to my daughter one day, ALIVE and thriving, when she is healed enough to move out, and on). 

So, say a little prayer for saving the seemingly unsavable souls we are given. 

Life has no shortage of such beautiful things. 

Peonies

This morning the green fists of the peonies are getting ready

to break my heart
as the sun rises,
as the sun strokes them with his old, buttery fingers

and they open–
pools of lace,
white and pink–
and all day the black ants climb over them,

boring their deep and mysterious holes
into the curls,
craving the sweet sap,
taking it away

to their dark, underground cities–
and all day
under the shifty wind,
as in a dance to the great wedding,

the flowers bend their bright bodies,
and tip their fragrance to the air,
and rise,
their red stems holding

all that dampness and recklessness

gladly and lightly,
and there it is again–
beauty the brave, the exemplary,

blazing open.
Do you love this world?
Do you cherish your humble and silky life?
Do you adore the green grass, with its terror beneath?

Do you also hurry, half-dressed and barefoot, into the garden,
and softly,
and exclaiming of their dearness,
fill your arms with the white and pink flowers,

with their honeyed heaviness, their lush trembling,
their eagerness
to be wild and perfect for a moment, before they are
nothing, forever?

Mary Oliver

Side by Side Comparison of the Ground Work

A friend came by yesterday and offered to take a video and photos of the lesson. I uploaded two of those clips to share with you. They demonstrate two different techniques. One, the first,  where Tumbleweed is allowed to move his feet, and a second where he is asked to face up, under the same scenario, Leah leaving his line of sight. 

You can see how is energy is up and only building.  

Then I remembered what I was supposed to be doing. Engaging his brain by facing him up. (I would usually only allow him to walk until his tail passed the object in my line of sight, but I couldn’t see where Leah was since she was being walked around.)

What a difference under the same scenario—his buddy leaving his sight. There’s no big emotions (from either of us) and I’m only meeting his energy—meaning, I keep going, keep asking for the same thing, until he gives it to me, then he’s rewarded.

I was able to saddle up after that and work through three horses who arrived and were being flagged together in the round pen, Leah leaving, and barrels being pounded and rolled around.

This work is transforming our relationship at home, too. I went out to spray them last night, and Tweed just came to me and laid his head on my hands. The togetherness is there now. I have this deep feeling of, I’d go anywhere with you, because I LOVE you.

I hope he feels the same towards me. I certainly think he’s getting there, trying to be brave and trying to trust, even in scary situations.

Getting The FEEL

Lessons with Tumbleweed continue with the same basic theme, learning how to bring him back to me under stressful situations.

There is the issue of being herd bound, which all horses have to some degree, and the dynamics of other horses, which you can’t escape riding in groups, but there is also the scary thing that presents itself out of the blue. 

Today, we had a little bit of everything  

New horses arrived at the park and we got to work on getting his attention by controlling speed through space, lengthening him through vertical flexion, and releasing when he was able to maintain it himself.

Of course, Leah was also taken in and out and around during this. 

 

Regina added in some scary noises, pounding the barrel, and rolling barrels, as we were working, and I was to maintain speed and soften him through vertical flexion.

She says he is an agile horse who can think about a few things at once. We want to keep his focus on me by being proactive. Very proactive. 

Tumbleweed wants to speed up and build up energy, so we’re doing the opposite—slowing him down, yet trying to maintain an energetic forward.

Engage, soften, listen, and move with energy and consistent speed.

She wants us to ride in half beats—which means a slower time. 1,2 2,2, 3,2, etc. 

Part of slowing down, engaging his hind end motor, and with that, more control, is sitting on my butt back in the saddle. I feel like I’m slouching, and I am, but she wants that exaggerated seat for now. If he bounces me out of it, that is a sign he isn’t carrying himself. 

We got some beautiful work done today, and were able to maintain it all for longer sections. I also got more of a feel for what I should be looking for and when to release and reward. We will meet again Monday for more.

Working On Herd Bound In Saddle

At our lesson yesterday, my trainer used Leah as a tool to distract Tumbleweed while I rode him in the arena. Our focus has been on reducing “herd bound” behavior and finding safe ways to redirect, and regain, his attention when it occurs.  

Tumbleweed does fine when the mares aren’t there, but when they are, he feels a need to protect them. The question for us is how to turn that protectiveness off when he is at work. 

Important to also remember that protectiveness is a good quality in the herd environment. Regina reminded me of that yesterday, and I looked at it quite differently through that lens. It is, in fact, noble of him.   

——

This is the work we did. 

I warmed up with the previous exercise of moving him out on the line and when his attention shifted to Leah, asking him to slow to stop, move his hind end away from me, and face up. Back and forth. We also did the exercise where I have him stop and face up when his tail passed her in my line of sight. He remembered it well and gave his full attention quickly. 

Then a trainer showed up with a trailer full of horses and mules. He was a young guy and really nice. He immediately complimented me on Tumbleweed, which instantly endeared me to him and made me wish my daughter had been there. Matchmaker matchmaker. 

It was a new distraction and I could see Tweed getting more worried for Leah who was standing tied nearby. She also go more amped up with the new arrivals.

I told the young man what we were working on and he said he was there to do the same, so please forgive his mules for braying for each other (they weren’t bad). He went about riding each one away from the others while I worked on getting and keeping Tweed’s attention. 

By the time Regina arrived, I was in saddle.

She then took Leah to a spot right outside the arena and had me ride Tumbleweed along the fence line in front of her. If his attention went to her, I was to turn him away from the fence and then continue, at a fast pace, the opposite direction. This had to be done quickly, as soon as I lost his attention, and we had to take up a brisk walk immediately after. We did it at both walk and trot. 

Then Regina walked away with Leah behind the announcer’s booth, and eventually reappeared on the other side. 

Tweed got much more worked up and became braced in his body, making it difficult to turn him, but we worked through it doing the same thing. 

It was a little scary at that point. I felt like his mind had exited and my communication with his mind had momentarily disappeared. I had to have faith in the plan and what Regina was telling me to do.

Regina asked me to ride him away, around the barrels, and back, out and back. If I lost his attention, vertical flexion, otherwise, a loose rein. If he picked up his speed coming back towards Leah, I had to make him maintain that same speed (he chose) going away from Leah.

We did that work at a fast trot and I think it was harder on me than him. You forget how physical riding is until moments like that. But I stayed with it, and we eventually had him moving out all over that arena, Leah disappearing and reappearing, and Tweed completely not caring. Leah who?

That was probably 40 minutes of the lesson, and when we were satisfied with his ability to maintain attention, I rode him out to the obstacle course where we worked on the same principles of attention to attention over the ladder, bridge, and sand pit. 

Finally, I rode him away from Leah and over the obstacles, and he did so well with his attention that we ended it there. 

——

This work is so awesome. Feeling that partnership with Tumbleweed emerge under an extreme stress test is quite satisfying. Also, working through his worst responses in a safe environment and seeing that yes, I can regain his attention with these basic principles. It builds my confidence in handling whatever may come our way.

Look Who’s Riding Out

Some horses are just made for the trails, and it appears Epona is one of them. 

Having struggled with arena work, she seems to have found her niche. Boss mares (and their baby bosses) have confidence in spades. The trainer said she only had to point her down the road and off she went. 

Just like her mama, she likes a job. 

***

The barn at dusk. 

Good Cop, Bad Cop

I think it’s safe to say, our horses don’t like going off to training. 

But they sure do appreciate their owners after a little time at boot camp. 

Epona is going into her second month soon. Today is her 4th birthday! Can you believe it?

Happy birthday, sweet sad Epona!

The second month is their big month, where she will get exposure to trails. If you want them to be finished on trails, you’d probably need double the amount of time she will be there. Maybe more. But that is something we tend do ourselves because you have to figure it out yourself at some point. Sink or swim as they say.

My daughter went down and rode her and found out she is a lot like her mama, a bit slow and on the lazier side. That has its pluses and minuses for a trail horse. It can be a lot of work for the rider to keep them going. You can’t just sit back and drink a beer or the rest of your group will be done and gone before you even get started. On the plus side, they probably aren’t going to be running away with you. I appreciated that about her mama. (Who will be accompanying Tweed and I tomorrow on the trail.)

Epona had a rough adjustment for the first two weeks. As we figured, she was stressed in her new environment. She was given something to help her tummy, and then seeing my daughter and realizing she wasn’t abandoned after all, and she is doing much better now. 

If she was closer, my daughter would be helping with the training. It is the best way to do it because you’re growing with your horse AND it takes the stress off of them from separation anxiety. In fact, she did do that with Cowgirl. She was there by our trainer everyday, learning to start her and putting on the first rides. 

So, it was kind of like going home again, and the two of them, daughter and trainer, got to spend the weekend catching up. 

***

It smelled like summer for the first time, yesterday. We found ourselves alone again, and so rode our bikes in the evening to a nearby lake with a bottle of wine. 

There are moments when you think, it just can’t get better than this.