Monday, April 19, 2010
I know from experience, when you lose something, someone, eventually, the grief subsides and your memory grows dim. That thought makes me sad. I don't want to grieve, but I don't want her memory to dull either.
I wrote about Elsa in a recent post, she was my 13 1/2 year old dog. This weekend her health deteriorated quickly and we made a decision to have her put to sleep.
I have to say, no matter how "logical" your decision is, nothing can prepare you for the pain you experience letting go of a dear life. We sat on the floor together because it was very hard for her to stand or be moved around, and I petted her and held her as she passed. I so, so, so wished she'd have died at home and made the decision to leave me rather than me making the decision to end her pain.
Today I miss her...I miss her barking to tell me to feed her, right now! I miss her sitting at the front window to tell me to let her back in. I miss her barking at the road to protect me every day as I go the barn, and I miss her sitting under the piano by my feet as I play. I miss her.
She shared so much of my life--always there through transitions--often overlooked as I went about my business.
I found a rock on our property that my husband is going to move over to her grave. It's big enough and flat enough that it can be a seat for me, under the Weeping Willow. I'm going to go out and find daffodils to plant around it so that they'll bloom every April and remind me of her. Also, a friend brought me a Bleeding Heart to plant in her memory. This really comforts me because the most important thing right now is my need not to forget her. I don't want to forget--ever.